progress’s blog

A and B are dating

I never thought I would barely do anything.  Scraping by is not the one thing that I want to do "just barely."

I don't want to hear the squeak and then sigh "Whew. that was close," anymore.

When I started an online journal on LJ back in the day, I figured I'd be writing about being what I wanted to be.  I forgot that I would have to spend most of my time blogging about who I am rather than who I want to be.

Suckage.  Who wants to do that?

By now, I was supposed to have cause to write an entry about the show in Flazexburg, Rexistan, and how kickass it was that so many people were there. 

Instead, I'm still contemplating my next move while I try to scrape by. 

I find myself giving serious thought to the fact that I have only two years left before the Navy won't take me-- and even more serious thought than ever on "What if they DO  take me??"

I'm in a position I never anticipated:  I'm unemployed and separated from homelessness by the auspices of my future wife.  Were it not for her income, we'd be boned.  Even though her job is good and stable for the foreseeable future, I do not relish the feeling of being off the job.

One of the bleaker attributes of unemployment is the downtime.  Endless downtime where you fill the hours doing every chore imaginable in between spurts of time spent tweaking resume and applying electronically to jobs on monster.

I hate this.  I really am thinking about the Navy.  Kicked the smoke, getting down a few bodyfat percentage points, building stamina and endurance.  Can I be the 32 year old recruit?  I know I have the brain for it.  Twice the brain for it.  Muscle, check.  Persistence?  Endurance? Discipline? 

I have to put my money where my mouth is, sign my ass over, and if I wash out of the specialization I choose, I can spend 4 years chipping paint and swabbing decks.  I would not like that outcome. Everyone says the same thing, though.
"You hate taking orders.  You're argumentative.  You don't accept authority."

Yeah Yeah Yeah.

But I love I challenge.  I love for things to be difficult.  And I love "I HAVE TO" instead of "I should."  Right?  Have to is easier because the alternative is way worse.

Imperative is far easier to accomplish than recommendation.

They're sucking the soul right the fuck out of music with each compilation and box set. And infomercial.

eek.

so I'm 32 now.

Got that one out of the way.  One more trip around the sun.  Made it.

Fine.

Rich? No.
Established? No.
Famous? No.
What, then?  ...happy.

Working.  Productive. Useful. Still sharp.  Still hungry.

Ok.  I'll bite.  How much does it cost to buy a new soul? 

Can't buy one with money, right?  Soul traders trade in souls, not cash.

Smarter now. 
Not as young. 
Youth had a downside. 
Youth was arrogance,
untempered for lack of wisdom,
unmitigated for lack of experience.

this new age--
this was the very first birthday that made me feel older than the day before.

should I wrap that up with meaning?
shall I apply it to the general theory?
No.
It goes in chalk on the board listing things that happened to me-only.

Does everyone have a day that feels like a line is crossed?
It's probable.
Is it always 32?
Far less likely.

Life suddenly feels more difficult
(not hard to live... the opposite.)
Like I had played too long at a game
without the level going up.
So now I have to kill pigs and chickens
to gain experience
to gain the next level
for the bonus
for the new attribute
the new spe...cialization....

Whatever.  This could all be drivel.

I'm still here.

Better than ever, but still grappling with the everpresent compulsion to slack.

I attended the Landmark Forum.

Yes.  Some people think it's cultish, and there are several weird and/or ooky things about it.

It was also one of the single most positive non-music-related events of my entire life.  Right up there with being in the Boy Scouts (rape free).  I can't say I'd recommend it to just anyone and everyone, but if you're up for enriching yourself and finding some happy, and you're down with letting go of past experiences and learning how to live in the now-- I'm more than willing to have conversations about it.  I promise not to ever ask you if you want to sign up, or tell you to sign up.  :::Scouts' Honor:::

I'm back to work on my solo project, and I've actually got things in production.  I'm creating possibilities for my life in the Kennedy fashion-- I can't let something as trivial as not having a band keep me from renewing connections with some indie label people I've worked with in the past.  But GOD I want a band.

I need a guitarist with a math fixation, a bassist with a harmonic ear, a drummer who plays guitar, and a singer with a pure heart and the ability to understand that the voice is an instrument. 

And I'm finally in the studio recording my album.

Yeah, I know.  I've got electronic stuff and no one needs a studio for that.  But I also have all the singer-songwriter type stuff, and some of it rocks.  That's what I'm working on right now.

Next week I should be at a point where there's some stuff to show for it.  It's very cool, though.  I have a friend who owns a studio in the Elsinore area, and since I'm helping him out with some stuff, he's allowing me free studio time to work on mine.  Otherwise... shit.  Who has a budget to go pay for studio time and record a bunch of songs?

I think the only reason I keep an online journal is that *I* can't lose it if I don't have it.  I always have to come back to it here.  I don't know where it would end up if I was able to pick it up and put it down in any location.  I've found things in the oddest places, and I know I put them there.  I know that my attention was grabbed by something else, and I just put down what I was doing and went off in search of new stimuli.

so let's hope I don't put down the recording thing.  It's always been the thing that made me put down other stuff... so I think I'm safe.

Was she the one that sprang full-grown from Zeus' head?  That's what's wrong with me.  I have no patience.  I want to write, I want to compose, I want to make and create, but I want it all right now, and I want to not have to do anything but "THINK" about it until I say "GO," and then just let it fly, unhindered, perfectly executed.

Unfortunately for me, I'm not a god (not even the one with a capital G).  That means I can't just say "LIGHT!" and have a universe be born at my invocation.

But those ideas are in there.  As ideas, they're full-grown.  Now to practice.  Practice everything.  Writing, composing, journaling, storytelling, playing.  I've already done all the thought experiments I should need to become mediocre at almost everything.

I need to practice so I can avoid being mediocre at anything worth doing.

Ok... no new music this week... in fact, other than a little work on some music this week, it seems I didn't exist at all unless someone saw me when I wasn't looking.  I didn't do much of anything.  I'm kinda disappointed in myself.  But I'm surfacing.

or something.  typing a blog is kinda the opposite of surfacing.

So that's my deal right now.  I've been keeping a livejournal for a long time now, and my concern is that there's too much crap to deal with there, and I lost sight of what it was supposed to be about.  I do still have friends through that resource, but it seems they've grown accustomed to my extended absences.  Vox?  Not many know me here, and I think I'm likely to keep on the dL from now on.

I'm over my need to be validated by face and name.  no need to perform to feel adept.  I'm going back to school... so do I keep on with the online journaling, or do I retreat to my ever-more-frequently-used notebook?  Is there a way for me to do everything that I want to do at the same time, or is it time to stop juggling and just concentrate on what's really crucial?

I wonder what crazy people feel like before they have any idea that they're crazy.  Do they have any clue as to what's going on?  Do they have flashes of lucidity and awareness where they consider committing themselves? 

DPNI